New Dad: How To Diagnose Labour

Rambo and I were talking about the birthing plan and I recently asked the question, “How will you know you’re in labour?“.

I’m not going to question mother nature and the painful contractions she provides to signal labour, but are there early signs we should be aware of!? The last thing we want is to be sent back and forth from the hospital for false alarms.

To help future dad, I have created  ‘A Dad’s Guide To Diagnosing Labour‘:

The Show

When I first read about the show I got really excited. I expected dancing and music and Rambo to add some entertainment to our evening with something that mimicked a west end show. A banner, a parade …. people shouting, “you’re in labour, whoooop!”.

The dictionary definition of ‘show’: a spectacle or display of something, typically an impressive one.

The reality is far from what I expected. Who the hell named it ‘The Show‘. A man I imagine. 

Labour Indicator Rating for Dads: 0/10

‘Toni’ Braxton Hicks

OK, I was worried before that we may end up at the hospital and be sent away due to false alarm and these ‘Toni Braxton‘ Hicks are not helping. Fake contractions!! Are you kidding me?

Every time I see what looks like Rambo’s stomach muscles tightening, I panic and think she is going in to labour. Turns out to be the baby moving most of the time.

Labour Indicator Rating for Dads: 0/10

Water Breaking

Water breaking is a good sign that you are about to have a baby but not everyone’s water breaks.

For some reason every time Rambo goes to the toilet I ask if her waters have broken.  I have no idea why I correlate urinating with waters breaking!?

Labour Indicator Rating for Dads: 0/10

Lower Back Pain

Back ache is an early sign of labour? What? She’s been in labour for months then if I was to use this as an indicator!

I have finally stopped diving for the car keys every time I hear a groan relating to back ache. Most of the time Rambo just wants a massage.

Labour Indicator Rating for Dads: 0/10


You’ll be glad to know I have resisted temptation (not any more anyway) to dive in to the wash basket looking for discharge in Rambo’s underwear.

Labour Indicator Rating for Dads: 0/10


I already ask if her water broke when she goes to the loo. Not sure I want to annoy Rambo any further and ask her if she has a bad tummy as well.

Labour Indicator Rating for Dads: 0/10


Contractions.…. ‘Toni Braxton’ Hicks!!!!!!!! I’m confused. There is no real way for me to know the difference, although real contractions are supposed to hurt!?

Labour Indicator Rating for Dads: 0/10

Baby Drops

I like this one. A quantitative measure. I have taken to measuring the top of the bump to shoulder difference. I’m hoping when the baby drops there will be a clear distinction between the distance measured.

Rambo is not keen on this one as she feels like a lab rat so I have taken to measuring as she sleeps.

Labour Indicator Rating for Dads: 0/10

Nesting Urge

Rambo has been nesting since I met her. I mean, she is constantly clearing up and throwing out my clothes and re-arranging things to look nice. Again this is not an indicator for us.

Labour Indicator Rating for Dads: 0/10

Stop Gaining Weight

Rambo refuses to go on the scales upon my request. She is not feeling great about herself at the moment so I’m not going to push it by demanding she weigh herself.

Labour Indicator Rating for Dads: 0/10

Rambo Telling Me She Is In Labour

My list of signs proved useless. I’ll perhaps just wait until Rambo tells me “it’s time”.

Labour Indicator Rating for Dads: 10/10



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12 thoughts on “New Dad: How To Diagnose Labour

  1. When in Labour – don’t ask partner “are you going to take much longer? Have I got time to finish assembling that coffee table” 😁

    Also be careful you have correct CD in – I gave birth to Black Sabbath singing Paranoid 😱

    Liked by 1 person

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